I’ve had it with Windows Mobile. I’m done. Kaput. I’m out. Adios, mother effer.

I’m so sick of this thing.

This thing plays reminders in my ear when I’m trying to talk to people. Its like a crazed Dale Jr fan sneaking up behind me and suddenly blasting both twelve gauge barrels at flung and flying bud cans in celebration of his man getting up and under Biffle and putting him into the wall on lap three hundred. This typically scares the hot chocolate out of me.

Even after I swear I turned off reminders, even though it has to know I’m on the phone.

I carry spare changes of pants, just for this reason.

This is the worse kind of interruption.The kind that causes my brain to seize. Like a wankle rotery engine with no oil. Just done. Game over.

This thing locks the phone in the middle of a conversation so I can’t switch calls (with call waiting) without entering ulocking codes - inevitably disconnecting both phones calls. Sorry about that, Mr. President.

This thing pops up notifications over whatever I’m doing. I mean actively doing. Pressing keys quickly. Like when I’m texting a profound, life altering, bacon flavored, Haiku to my dog, Jack. My last (priceless) characters are lost forever. My thought process crushed like a cockroach under an Army boot. Poor Jack. Left hanging. Wondering where the bacon at (beeeatch!).

This thing so slow doing, well, everything, I blast high pressure profanities into the air like boiling t-pot. Waiting. Hurry and wait some more. What is this, Netscape 1.0 over a 9600 baud modem? Running on a Newton 1.0? Criminey. I want to buy back the three ton Hummer I sold long ago just so I can utilize its small electronic device crushing skills. Crush this thing under the 35″ mud and snow tires. I’d take the depreciation reselling the Hummer hit just to see the knobby tire size phone chunks ground into the the pavement.

The security cares naught about usability. I’m required to both a) lock the keys (or it will dial my mom when I’m visiting Mr. Urinal) and b) lock the operating system with a four digit pin. You get zero guesses what my pin is. Actually you get four of these. I have to lock the locked phone. Unlock the unlocked phone. Slam car door on head. Repeat.

This thing turns off. Now. When still using. I’m constantly turning off the phone instead of just backing out of the application I’m using. Yes, I pressed the wrong button. But after five hundred times I wonder if anyone tried this whole power off slash exit button combo out. On top of that it then usually it forgets I was just using it, makes me unlock the locked phone, then unlock the unlocked phone (yes you read that right). So, again, I’m interrupted. What in the world wide hell was I doing? Forget it. I can’t be bothered. Even if I was just digitally singing the forms for my life saving organ transplant. Organs destroyed by phone related stress. Not worth it. Just stick me in the corner with a Neal Asher novel and let me go. Its best that way.

I could go on. And on. And on. And on.

So I’m done. I don’t care about new versions. I don’t care about new, faster hardware, or better applications. This software is fundamentally rotted - like a cantaloupe forgotten in a refrigerator crisper. Rendered squishy. Dripping. Stinky. It’s a floater in the harbor of electronic devices. Bloated. Sinking fast. Oooey, gooey, rich and chewy. In a bad way. Undeserving of a decent burial.

Though I will sell it on Ebay.

So now what? I had previously ranked synchronization with Exchange server as my highest priority. You know: Contacts. Calendar. Email.

What a fool! What a sad, misguided, fool!

Usability.

That’s the ticket. Hey, at the very least, just don’t do all that shiznit I already mentioned, okay? Be nice to me. Here’s the thing. The key. The idea. The bolt of lightening. Don’t fucking interrupt me. Okay? Or I’ll take a pneumatic nail gun to your shiny ass.

Is the iPhone ready for me? Here’s some reviews. We’ll see. I just might have to take the plunge. Just to get rid of this. Thing. Vibrating in my pocket. And not in a good way.