With the latest security update on Windows XP SP2, every time I drag an image from IE 6 to the desktop I get a dialog that says “Do you want to move or copy files from this zone?” After doing this a few dozen times, I leaped to my feet, whacked myself upside my head with my laptop, and then dove out my office window in an explosion of tinkling glass and ripped Venetian blinds, thusly killing myself to relieve the unending pain. Then I got up ran back inside, dragged a couple more pictures to my desktop, and dove out my office window again. At least the second time the window was already busted, and I just landed hard on the pavement, so there’s one bright spot in all this. Can’t break a window twice. At least in a row.

It’s like that old coin operated game that measures your worth as a lover by giving you a constant electric shock through the metal handles, and the longer you hang on, the more legendary you become. At this point, then, using this metaphor, Don Juan’s a bumbling pimple faced virgin compared to me.

For the love of Pete. I understand the need for security. For patching up the security holes IE leaves in the system. This is a very serious problem and we need better security. But this ain’t it. I don’t know who thought this was a good idea, but they need be beaten about the head and neck with a Nerf baseball bat. A Nerf baseball bat soaked in bring pink paint. Whap, whap, whap. Wear that home, beaatch!! Pinky! Pink striped loozer!!

See, this makes IE unusable for me. Period. I even took the time to search around on the internet to find a way to turn this off. By the way, doing this search had me eyeing the smashed window again. I gazed longingly, fantasying about the hard, glass covered pavement. Needless to say I didn’t find a way to turn this off. I found a bunch of geniuses responding to “how do I turn this off” posts, with “it’s from the new Microsoft security patch.” Um, do I give a purple goddamn WHY it’s there? Just make it go away. Make the pain stop. Please. I’m begging you.

I also tried futzing with the security settings in IE, basically allowing everything to be done to my poor system. This was a tasty meal of futility, with an appetizer of obscurity, followed by a dessert of hot, overdone, frustration. Um, check please. No tip for you.

So here’s my new creed, my new motto: I can’t be bothered to poke around on random websites, populated by pimply faced virgins, or setting dialogs, looking for a non existent workaround to the latest version of the Pavlovian click torture. Who am I, “Mr. Frickin’ Infinate Spare Time”? For god’s sake, NO! NO! NO! Stop harassing me! I’ll get a restraining order! I’ll do it!

Um, cough, I now have three choices to deal with this:

1. Uninstall the lastest security patch. The thinking here is that any new virus or spyware infestation will be, in the end, cumulatively less annoying than this dialog.
2. Use Firefox. Nice browser, but won’t work too well at work.
3. Wait for someone to tell me how to turn this off. There’s probably someone I know who knows just which registry entry to wine and dine to fix this. I know you’re out there and I have the wine.

So, in all seriousness, I’m guessing the IE program managers didn’t really have this reaction from customers in mind when they designed this. Um, hello McFly! Knock, knock, knock on nearest innocent skull. I’m guessing most people that DO have a clue will use Firefox and everyone else will suffer and curse Microsoft. This gives Microsoft a bad name folks. We shouldn’t do things like this. Seriously. Did I mention that I’m serious? Because I am.

Perhaps a decent compromise would have been a “don’t show me this again” checkbox in this dialog. If the customer checks this checkbox, put up a warning alert. Throw a red blinking skull and crossbones in it. Play a wailing siren: “Woop! Woop! I say, Woop!” (think Foghorn Leghorn), and warn the user: “Do you really want to do this? Your computer will probably melt into a molten puddle of exotic metals and then burn it’s way through your floor and all the way into your basement if you do!” At least then customers could choose between the lesser of evils themselves. Personally, I’d choose the burned hole in the floor.

Sigh. Rage petering out. Time go eat a hot pocket and call the window repair man. Then back to drag, aaaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; eat a bite of hot pocket; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; dive through and smash newly installed window, run back inside; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaaarg!, click; mmm, hot pocket; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; post a rant about this to my blog; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; drag, aaarg!, click; dive out newly installed and smashed window and lie there until my family performs an intervention.